one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
