chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
you didnt know i had herpes?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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