Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
