she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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