Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
