Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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