I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
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