There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
