I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
whose parrot is this?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
