I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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