i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
