My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
