I just pynch a tree in the face
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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