I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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