Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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