I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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