Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
