I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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