i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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