So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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