I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
