I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
