He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
