I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize