just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
false alarm. still invincible.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
