can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
