I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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