i would punch a child for taco bell
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
