she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize