We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
