So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
