The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
