Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
