Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
