There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
