tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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