2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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