last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
you win again, gameday.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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