Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
