Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
How naked do you want me to be?
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