I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I will be naked everywhere
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
