you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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