Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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