If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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