Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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