I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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