Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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