When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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