I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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