every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
