I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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