a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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