Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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