3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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