return my video game
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
