My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize