You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm like, not good at living.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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