Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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