I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
