When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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