I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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