The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Randomize
