Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
