she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
