I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
