I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
