My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
