Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
